Marriage

I asked a question  a little over 5 years ago do you remember your wedding vows?  Everyone that answered said yes. One friend even said that he and his wife reviewed them recently and made a check list to see if they were honoring them. Not a bad Idea. Maybe we all should do that.

Any way do you remember your wedding vows?  Here are some common vows recited at wedding. It was the one my wife and I said at ours. Even though I swore the phrase to obey was in there it wasn’t. Lets look at it.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.


For richer or poorer, for sickness and health, for better or worse till death do us part.   
 
How many of us actual do this? Our vows are more than a promise to one another it’s a promise to God!

Marriage what makes it work?  What makes it survive?  Have you ever watched an older couple act like teenagers in love? With them setting by each other in a restaurant, smiling, holding hands, looking like they are truly still in love. Or watched them walking in a park or into a store side by side holding hands?  Or that he still opens doors for his wife?  Have you ever thought how did they stay in love for so long?
I posted a question on my wall that said,  “What do you think it takes for a marriage to work and survive?”  Here are some of the results.

First and foremost most people stated that it must be God centered. God must be part of your marriage for it to work.  And actual if you want to be honest everything else mentioned would fall under that. For with out God in your marriage all these other things would be impossible to maintain with inner joy the desire to stay married and enjoy each others company.
Forgiveness, Honesty, Passion, Contentment, Happiness, Friendship, Doing everything together (as one), Trust, Respect, Communication, Treat them as you want to be treated, Laughter, Acceptance, Compromise, Being Selfless, Remembering your vows,  One of my favorites  Never go to bed mad or angry at each other. This is so true and Biblical. This advice was given to Lisa and I when we got married, and it to was posted as a comment. Lastly and probably just as important as God centered is Divorce is not an option.
 
That was something Lisa took to heart, I was lost and was showing hardly any of these things if any. If there was a person to divorce from it would have been me. Now most of you have probably heard sermons or read books on marriage, I to could go that route. But how I’m going to share it I’m praying others who are hurting and maybe who have gone through what Lisa and I did can relate and might be helped.. I apologize at the start for my unorthodox approach.

20 years ago last Memorial Day weekend I met the love, the woman, the wife God made for me. It hasn’t always been easy. There were those that said we would never make it, and at times I thought the same.  However our marriage survived it is sold as a rock today!  It’s by the grace of God it is.  Let’s go a little deeper and say it’s because of all the turmoil, fights, and arguments we had it is.  You may be saying at this point, how can this be?  Let me explain, just like all couples we have had our ups and downs.  Because of these ups and downs, especially the downs our marriage is strong. We as a couple learned how to overcome and survive these pitiable times.  We learned to forgive each other no matter what. Not to hold grudges!  Lisa has forgiven me of some horrific things.  Learning how to deal with these crucial areas not holding resentment is why our marriage survived.  And this was made possible only through God!   I like to compare marriage to our faith.
 
 1 Peter 1:6-7 says  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,  so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
 
Just like trials and tribulation strengthens your faith it also strengthens your marriage. Have a friend that asked “Why is that every time I get ahead, I get knocked backwards and have to start over?”  I simply told him so you can go back forward and become stronger.  You can only fall so far and at that point you have two options. 1. You can say it’s over give up and go your separate ways. 2. Cry out to God, turn your marriage over to Him asking Him to lead and Guide you out.  There is a song by Greater Vision called “I’ve been to the bottom” and this is the course


“Well I’ve Been To The Bottom
And I’ve found at the bottom there’s a blessed Holy rock
A place for us to stand away from sinking sand
Safe in the hand of God
A foundation that is sure and ever will endure
To comfort the hurting heart
Well I’ve Been To The Bottom
And I’ve found at the bottom there’s a blessed Holy rock”

Satan will do what ever he can do to drive you apart.  Don’t let him win!  Remember “He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world.” 1John 4:4

With this said I want to reshare a NOTE  I wrote over 6 years ago.  There are things that have happened in our marriage that have destroyed other marriages.  Only by the grace of God and forgiveness of one another did our marriage and new found love for one another prevail.


It was late May in 1995 and I was trying to get off drugs and alcohol, I was attending AA and NA meetings my life was in shambles and I was trying to get it back. I had just got home from work when some girls showed up at my house. One of them came to see a friend of mine that was living with me at the time, and she brought Lisa with her. Lisa was hesitant about coming cause they didn’t know if I spoke English. Well when they got there they were about 3 sheets to the wind. I remember watching Lisa slid down my door when she came in. I told her she could set on the couch, she said she was fine but soon came over and set down. We did the normal small talk and I asked her were she was from. She told me Strang. I said cool I was originally from there; my grandfather lives at the bottom of the hill on the corner. This about scared her off. She said she had to go I said why she replied I can’t date anyone from Strang and your related to that crazy old man. However she did stay after some more talking.
After a very short time of dating we decided to get married, and I decided to tell my sponsor in NA. He told me it was too early in my recovery and I should wait. I was not going to wait, I got mad and stopped going. I decided I didn’t need any help. I was gravely mistaken. I was ticking time bomb full of resentment, hatred, and wrath ready to explode.
We moved in together before we got married along with another couple. Not a great idea. Not to mention it is against Gods will. We had a few arguments prior to the wedding, and the night before the wedding I was a drunken depressant annoying jerk. I was whining that she was going to leave me before the wedding; she told me if I didn’t shut up she was going to leave me. The next day Oct 31, 1995 we were married in a chapel in Miami, Ok. Hung over and all, I was not going to let them draw my blood, and they said if they didn’t draw my blood I couldn’t get married. So I reluctantly let them stick me. I remember the minister saying that our marriage was valid for 100 years we had to stay together for that long, and then we could do what ever. I guess Lisa took this to heart.
After we were married it didn’t take long before my controlling attitude showed up. I was waiting to go work and I hadn’t seen my wife all day. When she arrived home I was screaming at her demanding to know were she had been. She said you want to know where I been and threw a pregnancy test at me. I went to say, what is this? When I looked at it I knew. A moment we could have shared in love I ruined with my anger. This was just the start of my controlling, my anger problems and my drinking and occasional drug use. Neither one of us was living the way we should. We both clamed to be Christian, however our lives didn’t show it.
Soon before Taylor was to be born we got a trailer east of Adair. I remember Lisa being about 8 months pregnant cleaning the walls. They were filthy!!!! I was acutely happy I was working got a job at Hem-Saw, and I was about to be a daddy!
After Taylor was born, and Lisa recovered from a c-section I decided I need to get my life in line. First I decided to go back to NA and AA. We went to a few meetings, but I just couldn’t get into it. I was getting mad and hatful blaming Lisa cause she didn’t want to participate. She kept telling me I was the one with problem not her. I kept telling her if she wasn’t drinking when I meet her I wouldn’t have started again. Excuses I never could own up to my own problems. One day we had a big fight and she said she was leaving I told her fine and that if she wanted to go then go. Well I went to work that day and later that night I called her and asked if she was leaving? She said no. I said I was sorry and went to make things better,
Well since NA and AA wasn’t going to work for me. I decided to go to Church, We had been invited to attend Harmony Star Baptist Church by a friend I worked with. Well it sound good at first, however time would show the true feeling of my heart. We arrived went to Sunday School, set through the service and when the alter call was made I went forward, just as I had more times than I can count growing up. You see I was raised Pentecostal, and thought I could lose my salvation. However I don’t think I ever had it not then and not at this point. My heart was never in it. I was a false convert. And the very next Sunday my anger would show again. We were driving to church and we got lost, I was yelling at Lisa because she couldn’t remember how to get there. Needless to say we didn’t make it that week. However we did go back after that a few times, but we didn’t stay.
We got into some financial problems, and we moved in with her mom and dad. I’m sure I showed my attitude more than once, but cant remember directly.. After a few months living there we moved to Pryor, back to my town thought things would be better. I had quit my job with the promise of another one that didn’t work out. So a friend and I started up a business. It went really well at first, but because of disagreements and poor management it didn’t last. During this time my drinking greatly increased. We had been married almost two years; I would set on the computer all day while Taylor ran around the house. At night I would drink a pint of tequila. One night I came home looking for my bottle of tequila and it wasn’t there. I had just bought it and it was gone! I screamed and demanded to know were it was! Lisa told me she poured it out, and that it was the bottle or her. She informed me she was on a waiting list for Twin Villa, and that if I didn’t straighten up and get a job she was going to leave me. This is the first time my wife supported us, while I did nothing.
Things did get better for awhile, I did a few jobs through a temp service, and finally got hired on at AP Green, I would work here almost 3 years. I was now making good money and we moved into a different house. But soon I was drinking again. I remember one Easter Sunday when Taylor was almost three she was outside playing with a little girl about her age. When I said something can’t remember what, but what the little girl said sent shivers down my spine. She said “Its ok I understand my mommy drinks too” this came from a three or four year old!!! I went back in told Lisa what was said, and I don’t think I drank the rest of the day..
After a few months in the house I got the news I was going to be a daddy again. Lisa was pregnant with our second daughter Brittany. I remember I was at work when I got the call that Lisa needed to go to the doctor that she was having contractions. Taylor being three now helped her mommy pack her bag for the hospital. By the time we got to the hospital Brittany was ready to be born. Taylor was two weeks late, Brittany was two weeks early, and she has been in a hurry all her life so far.
After the birth of Brittany we bought a house out behind the Ford dealership in Pryor. This is where our marriage really starts to go down hill. I was working swing shifts always grumpy and hateful. I was bringing the stress from work home with me. I was always tired and cranky nothing made me happy. Lisa was working to which didn’t help matters much. And to top it all of I was drinking again and started doing crystal meth. again. I can recall several big fights in this house during this time period, usually pushing Lisa beyond the breaking point one incident I made her so mad she threw a pair of scissors at me and they stuck in the wall by my head. I had said some very insulting hurtful words toward her. We lived here for almost 3 years after several layoffs I quit this job, which laid the way for where I’m at now. We load up the truck and moved back into town, next door to my mom and dad. This next few years would not be so good, the fighting increased along with a lot of other things that would drive a marriage apart.
At this point I got a job at Air X Changers in Catoosa, this would not last long. I worked there for 5 months and got laid off. I decided heck with it I’m tired of being laid off sick of factory work so Ill just wait. Remember last time I wasn’t working. This time was worse. Lisa was working at this time to cover the difference in my unemployment, she wasn’t happy with what she was doing, so she sought other employment. A friend of mine told her about NCDC and she should apply. Well she did and got hired on. This is the same field she is in to this day. During this time she was working a lot of overtime and I was looking for a job. And when I wasn’t looking for a job I was on line in chat rooms. I befriended a lot of young ladies, and started talking with one in a manner not becoming of a married man. I went as far as to talking about meeting one when my wife went away to camp. Lisa found this on the day I went to a job interview. The girl messaged my wife thinking it was me. Lisa informed her that she wasn’t me and not to be talking to her husband. Lisa than checked my message history and it told all.. When I got home I was very angry I had missed by job interview it was the day before and they rescheduled it. I knew I didn’t have a shot now. This was at Sunoco refineries in Tulsa. I was blaming my wife again, Lisa got upset started crying and told me she wasn’t going to mention this, she was going to let it go, but now she was! She wanted to know what she did to deserve this kind of treatment. If I wanted them I could have them. I started apologizing and making excuses. I said I was stressed I was upset depressed and can’t remember all. In short she made me go to the doctor took there test and found out I suffered from depression and he put me on Zoloft. This made everything better for quite some time shortly after this I to went to work for NCDC. My unemployment had run out. I really liked this new job and like my wife I was advancing quickly up the ladder.
I begin not to like the way the Zoloft made me feel so I stopped taking it all together instead of having the doctor take me off slowly. Not a good Idea!! My temper came back with vengeance.
Our girls are now about the ages 5 and 2 and they have seen my roller coaster temper, never knowing were it would be. One Easter we had friends and family over Lisa and I had cooked diner that year. We were arguing in the kitchen and I shoved her I might of even slapped her I cant remember, but her reaction was to hit me in the head with a drinking glass, telling me that I could go eat with everybody and she wasn’t going to. After minutes of pleading for my life, we went in and told everybody dinner was ready. This was just one of our many fights in this house. Several times it would get so bad she would try to leave and got to her moms and I would stop her by standing in front of the door, trying to disable her car, you name it I probably tried it to stop her from going. She would shove and hit me and I would just laugh which made her even madder. I had no feeling for her emotions; however I was not letting her go.
We both continued to work at NCDC both working a lot of over time. I was pretty much living in the house I was working in. About this time Lisa tells me she pregnant! I was really excited I really wanted a son this time. I went around telling every one the good news. However I still could not control my temper. One night after being at work for over two weeks I got to go home and Lisa gets called in. I was very insistent about her not going I had not seen her and I wanted time with her, or was I just being controlling. We were standing outside by her car we both were yelling and arguing, I went to let the air out of her tire and she hit me with the water bottle she had in her hand, and then I shoved her. She ran back inside crying. I had won this argument or did I and at what cost?
Some time before this fight or after I had started going to church again not with my family but with the guy I took care of. I was also watching a lot of TBN. Which really was not good, some of it is false doctrine and very dangerous if you don’t know better. I was trying hard to get my life back on track. I knew the Lord was talking to me, I knew it wasn’t too late. I was ready to totally rely on God. All I was doing at work was watching or listening to religious programs, I also started studying my bible again. Took a lot of notes…
Lisa had made a doctors appointment for the 3 month ultra sound. She had not been to the doctor yet. I was at work when she called me all upset and crying. I asked her calm down and tell me what was wrong. She told me they can’t find the heart beat. I was devastated, I called my boss told him what was wrong and I was leaving that he needed to find some one to cover my shift and I left. Before I left I prayed God if you are there please let them find a heart beat when I get there. I will do what ever you want just let this baby be alive. When I got there I went with Lisa back to the ultra sound holding her hand as we walked. They hooked the ultra sound and the doctor looked again. No Heart Beat. I was never so hurt in my life I felt betrayed and I cursed God. I swore to have nothing to do with Him again. How could He do this to us, what did we do to deserve this? My sister n law’s pastor lived there in Claremore where we were at. They came and prayed over Lisa as they did I set in the corner glaring at them thinking, how dare they do that when I should have been over there holding her hand. They had given my wife some shot that would make her body pass the baby, when she did the baby was a boy. I was now even more crushed.
My wife got released from the hospital; they did not perform a dnc. We got home and my wife continued to bleed, we went back to the doctor twice and they said it was ok that she would stop. We went back home and she got worse I then rushed her to the Pryor ER. and they did a blood test. Her blood level was at half they rushed her back and gave her a blood transfusion of 4 pints. Do the math. My wife almost bleeds to death. But by the mercy of God she Lived..
Now we were in the process of buying a house in Inola, when this all occurred we decided we didn’t want to raise a baby in the house we were in. Not to mention we would never get it baby proofed. We already been approved and we were waiting to close when we had the miscarriage. We went on and bought the house and moved to Inola. In Spring 2005 Lisa and mines marriage was on very shaky ground once again.  We couldn’t stand to be together for long periods of time.  When I was home I drank a lot., I was burned out in the job I was in due to excessive hours worked and I began to look for other employment. When Lisa was told I should get my cdl. I thought about it and looked at all the potential money I could make.  So in late May 2005 I went off to school for 3 weeks to get my cdl.  After completing school I was hired on at Choctaw Express, a trucking company that allowed me to be home on weekends.  I spent 3 weeks with a trainer, which was supposed to be 4.  But my trainer told them I was ready to go early.  Lisa and mines marriage begin to improve over time, but we still had a long ways to go.  After 2 days we both were ready for me to leave.  During my home time I drank as usual.  This went on and on same thing every week.  On one occasion we had been fighting all day and it continued up to the time she dropped me off at the truck.  We departed ways on some hateful words.  Well I got in the truck and left, but I wasn’t done the more I thought about whatever we were fighting about the angrier I got.  So I called her and yelled at her again. I hung up after saying some hateful words.  I no more hung up when a truck in front of me slammed into the back of another trucks trailer cutting his truck and him both in half. I just witnessed a man killed right in front of me.  I thought that could have been me.  Everything I just said ran through my mind and I was sorry for what I said.  What if it was me and those were the final words Lisa ever heard me say?  I called her back and apologized and told her what I saw.  After this the fighting diminished greatly but it wasn’t over completely.  .  A few months later we found out Lisa was pregnant again. And she conceived on Easter, kind of funny if you look back on everything that has happened on this date

. .Well once again I was happy wanting a son more than ever now. When we went to the ultra sound and found out it was a girl, my other two daughters started teasing me. When I should have played along I got mad, because I wasn’t having a son. And we had to go back because the nurse forgot to write down the heart beat.
Her name was to be Alyssa Rayne, and I was about to get one of the greatest blessing I ever got. Just didn’t know it yet. She was born a healthy baby girl and great relief to us. She made me feel that happiness I so longed for and had forgotten. The Lord had started His work on me I just didn’t know it yet.  After Alyssa was born we thought we needed more money, so I decided to find a company that paid more money and to stay out longer.  I didn’t know what God had in store for me. Even though I went to two different companies, things came up that prevented me from getting hired, so I went back to Choctaw. They welcomed me back with no problem.. My marriage still wasn’t the greatest; the feeling of love had all but gone. But my wife was persistent, as I continued to drink, she started to PRAY, I just didn’t know it yet. Shortly after Alyssa’s 2nd birthday it happened. It was a Friday night March  19, 2009 to be exact. I was home for the weekend and during that time off I did not drink, smoke or take a dip. These are things I did every week or not day for 20 years. I had no withdraws and didn’t realize it till Monday still not taking any nicotine in, still no withdraws. I was driving up in Michigan that following Monday night it was now March 22, 2009 when I realized what had happened that weekend. I knew God healed me then I heard a voice loud and clear. He said “What are you doing? Why don’t you have your family in church? Don’t you know it’s your responsibility?” I knew it was God speaking to me I cried realizing the life I was living and all the years I wasted. I knew I had to change and I gave my life to Christ driving down the interstate. I couldn’t wait to call let people know. First I called my wife and told her I just gave my life to Christ, she was a little hesitant to believe at first for good reason, I then called Lisa’s sister and told her and asked the number to Tyson Wynn her pastor at her church. This is the church I hated with great passion; I fought ever year with my wife about my kids going to VBS there. This is also the same pastor that came to pray with my wife during her miscarriage. For some reason this is who I was lead to call. My wife, kids and I went to this church, Strang First Baptist the following Sunday. I was welcomed with open arms; I don’t see how I was always the resentful hateful one in the back pew with his arms crossed showing he would rather be anywhere else but there. I could not set through my kids programs at VBS. I never let them stay past the time it was over. My wife told me shortly later that she been praying, not that I would find salvation but that I would find a church to go to. And when I picked Strang FBC she knew God had answered her prayer. However she still had some doubts. On June 7th 2009 I made my public confession of faith and was baptized the same day with my two oldest daughters in Lake Hudson. Come to find out they where also praying for me, that I might find Jesus. They didn’t know that their mother was praying likewise she didn’t know they were praying. Now my wife was not totally sure till July of that year when I was lead to work VBS I took a weeks vacation from work to help out. I never felt so joyful.. I worked at a VBS that a year earlier I hated. I was lead to be the Youth Leader, and in September I was confirmed by the church. In March 2010 I was called to preach.
As I said earlier Alyssa was a blessing, she has me enjoying being a daddy so much I missed with the other two, cause of my drinking and other things. My relationship with my two older daughters has been healed. Being a daddy is one of the greatest blessings God has given me. I look forward to spending time with them always.  God shows great mercy and I thank Him.
As I continue to look at things in my life, and address things I have held in for years, feelings of resentment, anger, and hatred. With these things I held in all my life. I begin to wonder what love was and if I ever felt it. I know that God showed his Love by sending His Son to die for us, paying our debt for our sins. So I prayed and asked God to show me what love was. I know that you love me but why don’t I feel it; I really don’t know how it feels. Please show me what and how love feels. I was asking this for several reasons one was I didn’t know if I loved my wife. The words I love you had become so routine, I wrote love poems and songs and did other romantic things but I begin to question them. I messaged a friend and asked her for ideas for a Christmas present for Lisa. She made a suggestion for a book. She didn’t know of my prayer. She recommended a book, a book Lisa read many years earlier and I blew it off. This time I read it and it explained a lot, now I understood love and how to show it to Lisa and she knows how to express her love to me in return. In this process I realized Gods love for me.  So you see there is hope for all marriages, we been through it all. God intends all marriages to work. I want to thank my wife for her faith in God, and that she believed He would make it work.

Since these Note was originally posted, our marriage and relationship has grown stronger. I love my wife beyond any words I can express. Her support for me in the ministry God has called to me to is without question. Even with the decision to take a major pay cut to spend more time at home, and pursue my calling to the ministry is shown with love and support.  Sacrifices will be made, and we both understand and know that. My wife is the greatest person I know, she is part of me. I look forward to growing spiritual with her as we grow old. And seeing what and where God leads us in this Ministry and life.

I don’t care where your marriage is at, there is hope, there is light, if you put your faith and trust in God. He will restore your life; He will restore your marriage.  Nothing is too hard for God! God can do all things! You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!  Remain strong don’t give up hope on your wife or husband. God wants to be part of your lives he wants to see your marriage grow and be restored, He wants you to forgive one another for what and how you hurt each other. I’m not meaning to preach and I won’t! I just want to say   But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matt. 19:26  All things even your marriage.

As I asked at the start what do you think it takes for a marriage to work and survive?   You can have all these things If God is the center of your Marriage.
Forgiveness, Honesty, Passion, Contentment, Happiness, Friendship, Unity, Trust, Respect, Communication, Laughter, Acceptance, Compromise, Selfless, Honoring your vows, Never go to bed mad or angry at each other and Divorce is not an option. 
 
With all that has happened in our marriage I can honestly say that Lisa and I have all those things and much more. And you can also.


Since the time I wrote this our marriage has even grown stronger as we have grown closer to God.  It still has not been easy and yes we still have disagreements, but we don't let those disagreements get the best of us we still find a way to come to a compromise and work through it. 


        One great adventure we had since the time I wrote this was that on the year of our 18 wedding anniversary I started out on an adventure 70 days from our Anniversary to name a reason everyday ( How I was blessed by my wife, A reason why I loved her, Why I was thankful for her)  This had a great impact on the way I looked at her, 45 days from our Anniversary we took the Love Dare   and come to find out our marriage still needed some work, With my 70 day challenge and the Love Dare both happening our Marriage grew  significantly as result on November 2nd we celebrated a renewing of our vows in front of God and Family making a promise this time to hold true to our vows and promise to God and one another.